I need to vent. This has been building for a while.
My girl has been ill. Suicidally depressed between bouts of being practically catatonic. She’s finally upped her meds and is back seeing her therapist, which is good.
I’ve been to see her three times in the last three weeks, each time for less than 24 hours. It’s a 7 hour round trip to get there and back. The first time, I reorganised my own therapy and cancelled work appointments so I could rush to be at her side because her boy was away and she was frightened to be alone.
That first time, she said she wasn’t up to going out because she felt so awful. That was fine. I didn’t expect anything else. But then last week I went specifically so we could have a date night and after “managing my expectations” all the way down by text with talk of how tired she was, taking me to her theatre so she could work more when I arrived and not asking a thing about me over dinner, we were home by 9pm. Then I was gone the next day.
She’s had a very bad migraine this week and has been barely communicative. I know how that is. But after the performance of her play tonight I just had a garbled, badly spelled message about how she was going out drinking and I shouldn’t wait up. Her migraine came on the tail of a hangover on Monday. She has a hard deadline from her publisher tomorrow and I’m going down to see her play after again making the time away from my boy and I fear I’m going to get a tired, cranky, hungover girl who is putting me off again because she has work to do when I’m doing everything I can to be there for her.
I’m getting fucked off. What does she even want me for? She really wanted me to be there and I feel like she’s diminishing my presence in every way she can.
I’m going away for a fortnight on Saturday, as is she. I think maybe some time apart is what we need.
I definitely think it’s what I need.